WELCOME to my HEAD

It was the last night of the Great Holiness Crusade and Zeonia's father, Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes, was determined that Zeonia's soul be turned from the ill-fated path of damnation and delivered up to the Great Holy Ghost. In full view of his new congregation. Amen. Hallelujah. Hallelujah Amen.

Zeonia was the oldest of five girls, all of whom except Zeonia, had caught the Holy Spirit as the Reverend rebuked Satan from them, as Brother Junior beat a mean rhythm on his Christmas snare drums, as Sisters Lucy and Eva Marie led the congregation in the shaking of tamborines, the raising of voices and waving of hands and the hard stomping of Christian feet. One by one the sisters and others of the congregation fell, exhausted from the dance of salvation into the plush arms of the Good Sisters in Waiting who wore starched white uniforms and smiled with beneficence, tucking a white hankie beneath the heads of the chosen, lowering them to the floor and spreading them side by side like holy sardines in a can.

"Lord!" Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes called out, his huge hands, pressed flat against either side of Zeonia's face. "I said, Lord my Jesus! I'm calling you, Lord, Amen Hallelujah, to save this daughter from the clutches of sin, Amen Hallelujah, won't somebody help me, Lord!"

Zeonia's head was bowed and her eyes shut tight. Silently, she prayed with the reverend but she was not asking to be saved from the clutches of sin. Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes, a towering, giant of a man who had lost half his leg to the sin of a badly timed, armed robbery, found his own salvation in Joliet prison. Zeonia was 6 when he went in and 16 when he came out. She remembered the night before he came home.

Millicent Rhodes whose face was usually tight enough to draw a bow string, was excited and her smile, free as the rain, when she gathered Zeonia and her sisters together for the big announcement.

"I have wonderful news," Millicent Rhodes gushed. "Tomorrow, your daddy is coming home!"

Zeonia's sisters yelped and hollered like it was somebody's birthday, holding hands and jumping up and down, each one talking at once about the great changes that would take place now that their father was coming home. But, Zeonia did not celebrate. She was old enough to remember the long nights when her mother paced the floor with eyes swollen from crying, praying out loud on Thadeus' behalf. She remembered the phone calls from strange women who blatantly disrespected her mother and she remembered the empty ache in her belly when food was scarce but Jim Beam aplenty was in the house. And, she remembered her mother's nervous laugh, eyes that looked down and never up when Thadeus would finally drag himself home, drunk and loud, smelling of cheap perfume and very, very mean.

"Zee," Millicent Rhodes had said, pained by the reaction of her eldest daughter, "that ain't no way to be, honey. She held her daughter's defiant chin tenderly in her hands and was startled by the woman she saw there but realized sadly her girlchild had been a woman for sometime. Millicent Rhodes had just been too tired and too lost without Thadeus Rhodes to notice.

"Thadeus has changed," Millicent Rhodes said, "I know he ain't been the best daddy in the world but we need him, honey, he belongs here."

"He belongs in prison!" Zeonia said, jerking away from her mother. "That's where he belongs. Where they keep all the other no good nig..."

Millicent Rhodes slapped Zeonia in her face. Hard. Zeonia could only stare at her mother, incredulous. Millicent, too, was shocked and quickly reached out for her daughter to console and apologize for an action she did not think herself capable. Zeonia turned from her and ran, daring the tears to fall from her eyes. But, her anger did not stop the inevitable from happening.

Zeonia didn't recognize the one-legged man with the booming big voice and cagey eyes who moved into their house and her mother's bed. But, she certainly didn't care to know him. She did know he was the reason she had to quit school and babysit her sisters so her mother could take the live-in job in North St. Louis. She knew he was the reason she had learned to sew and patch and cook to make extra money so they could buy the little house they lived in on Birmingham Street. And, she knew he was the reason her mother's left eye was permanently half-closed.

In the summer, she took her sisters to the park for fresh air and sunshine and while she was doing all that, where was Thadeus T. Rhodes? Sitting on his big butt in Joliet, reading a bible and writing letters asking his mother for the money the two of them earned, that's where.

Thadeus T. Rhodes came home a sober man, a thinking man, a man of God, whose business, he proclaimed solemnly, was to see that God's Will Be Done. Regardless, Zeonia knew he was not to be trusted and she made it her business to stay out of his way. She pretended indifference when Millicent Rhodes sold their little house on Birmingham Street and Thadeus bought what used to be Phil's Fine Clothes on First Avenue, converting the storefront to the Thadeus T. Rhodes Holy Temple Church of God in Christ. And, when the cramped upstairs apartment of four rooms became their new living space, Zeonia got into the habit of late hours and bright red lipstick. She cut slits into her skirts and hung out with a wild bunch who made the rounds of the juke joints in East St. Louis.

But, the delirious happiness her mother exuded with her new position as the wife of the good Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes eventually weakened Zeonia's resolve to alienate herself and her affections from her family. It was not long before she returned to spending her time at home, wearing reasonable attire minus the outrageous makeup and, helping her mother with her new duties as a preacher's wife, hoping and wanting to believe that maybe Thadeus T. Rhodes had changed, after all.

Until one Saturday she spied the good Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes filling Sister Evelyn with the Holy Ghost in the collection room. She had just come from Sister Melvina's with new choir robes, a surprise for Thadeus who had known the robes were in the making but hadn't expected the finished garments in time for the Great Holiness Crusade.

Zeonia, her change of heart in full throttle, had spent long hours at Melvina's, hemming and stitching the royal blue material into a design of her own creation as a peace offering and symbol of her acceptance, finally, of Thadeus in their lives. But, instead of delivering a surprise, she received one and knew she would be forever haunted with the picture of the Good Reverend T. Thadeus' butt flailing the air, his jackleg pumping away while Sister Evelyn moaned for mercy beneath him.

They were going at each other like dogs in heat.   Zeonia wished she had a bucket of ice cold water to throw on them but, having only the robes, she shut the door quietly and quickly, swallowing her anger where it lumped and lodged itself in the middle of her chest and threatened to back up like the clogged drain in a sewage. Thadeus T. Rhodes had not changed one bit.

"Look into this child's heart, my Lord, and take away the hurt, Amen Hallelujah. Grant her your forgiveness, God, Amen Hallelujah, for all her foolish ways. Lead her down the path of righteousness, Amen Hallelujah, where she may do no harm, Amen Hallelujah, to herself or others, my Sweet Lord. She is troubled, Jesus, Amen Hallelujah, mighty, mighty, troubled, Amen Hallelujah, and only you my Sweet Savior, Amen Hallelujah, can smooth the trouble from her brow. Jesus! Won't somebody help me! ..."

Amen! Hallelujah! Glory, glory! Help him, sweet Jesus, help him!

"Daughter!" Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes shouted, his voice raised loud above the congregation's praises, "I say, Daughter, Amen Hallelujah, rebuke these demons that trouble you, girl, Amen Hallelujah! Rebuke the minions of Satan that would lead you into the WORLD, MY GOD, Amen! I say LET THE MINIONS GO, Amen Hallelujah! Because the LORD, Amen Hallelujah! I say the LORD... won't somebody help me! ..."

Alright Rev! Amen Hallelujah! Call him out! Call him out! Hallelujah Amen!

"...is a GENERAL!"

A GENERAL! Amen Hallelujah! Hallelujah Amen!

"...A mighty, mighty GENERAL!"

He is a GENERAL Amen hallelulah! Hallelujah Amen!

"And, I am but a soldier ..."

A soldier, Amen hallelulah!

"In the army of the Lord..."

Preach Reverend! Amen Hallelujah! Hallelujah Amen!

"But, he called on me to TELL you ..."

Tell us what He say, Rev! Amen Hallelujah! Tell us what He say!

"That SIN, aha, SIN, will not be tolerated in His paradise! Can I get a witness, Amen Hallelujah, Hallelujah Amen!"

Witness, Lord! Witness!

Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes let go of Zeonia's head and spun around in a circle stomping his feet. Sweat was running fast down his face and his black robes circled him like the spread wings of an eagle.

"SATAN, I call you out, you devil, you! I rebuke you from this vessel in the name of the Lord My God, Hallelujah Amen! Amen Hallelujah! Hallelujah Amen! Glory!" he cried, grabbing Zeonia by the back of her head. "I said Glory, aha, to His Holy name!"

He slammed his right hand hard against Zeonia's forehead. Those of the congregation who were not already standing jumped to their feet, screaming Hallelujahs and praises to His Holy Name. Tamborines shook ferociously against the tender thighs of the believers as Brother Junior bore down on the drum snares, threatening to beat right through the skin.

As soon as Zeonia felt his 'blessing', she knew she had had enough of the Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes. It was only a matter of time before Jim Beam and all the women who loved him, came back to haunt them. Her mother would never stand up to him and Zeonia could not bear to witness her defeat again. Zeonia knew what she had to do.

She tensed and started shaking all over, letting her eyes roll back in her head, holding her arms out to the side as though she would up and fly away. She arched her back arched and started to buck. She balled her hands into fists and swung her arms wildly and spun herself around and around and before anyone knew what was happening, Zeonia landed a solid, rock hard punch smack dead on the jaw of Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes.

Knocked the good Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes clean off his jackleg.

The Reverend sat there rubbing his jaw. He eyed his daughter suspiciously and wondered briefly if Zeonia had perhaps seen more of him than he would have liked. But, this was his church and his show. He was not going to let his eldest undermine him before his new congregation. Getting ordained as a minister was the best idea he ever had and no stupid young girl, daughter or not, was going to ruin it for him. Particularly not now that The Great Holiness Crusade had proved to be so profitable.

Quickly, he bounced up and raised his long arms to Heaven and cried, "Thank you, Lord Jesus, thank you!"

Zeonia swung around and punched him again.

The Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes fell back on his butt. The deacons rushed to his aide.

"That's alright, that's alright..." he said, "God has hold of my daughter's right hand."

Zeonia, taking that as her cue, quickly swung around again with a solid right hand roundhouse, taking the Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes off his feet,once more.

The church went dead silent. The deacons stopped in their tracks, afraid to move. But, Zeonia raised her arms and shouted, "Thank you, Lord Jesus, Amen Hallelujah! Hallelujah Amen!" Then, she started dancing the Holiness Dance.

Brother Junior commenced to beating his snares. Sister Bessie hit the piano keys like she was beating her children and all the tamborines in the church got to rattling and slapping thighs as the worried deacons rallied 'round their fallen leader.

Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes was pretty sure some of his teeth had been loosed by that last punch. But, he couldn't let the church know what he knew in his heart. His wayward daughter had lost her mind and smacked him on purpose. He would surely have to deal with her later. But, to save face and his church, he hopped up on that jackleg and loudly commanded, "Go on, Lord Jesus! Have your way with her, Lord, have your way. Won't somebody help me!"

Help him, Lord, help him! Amen Hallelujah! Hallelujah Amen!

Zeonia figured Thadeus T. Rhodes was onto her but it didn't matter. She just kept dancing the Holiness Dance all across the pulpit. She danced the Holiness Dance in the choir stand, disrupting the robe clad sisters who moved out of her way as much as possible. She danced the Holiness Dance right into the front pews, forcing Mothers Johnson and Walker and Jones to rise up like young girls to get out of her way. She danced the Holiness Dance down the aisle with the Good Sisters in Waiting right behind her, fanning and praising, arms outstretched to catch her when and if the Holy Ghost let go of her. She danced the Holiness Dance all the way to the front door and right out through to the vestibule, leaving the Good Sisters behind her.

The Good Sisters were puzzled and didn't know if they should follow. They looked to their guiding spirit, the Reverend Thadeus T. Jones for direction but the Reverend's black robes were flying as he hopped frantically across the pulpit on his one leg, pretending to be oblivious to Zeonia's exist, caught up in the spirit, booming his thanks to the Almighty for saving his eldest child.

Amen Hallelujah! Hallelujah Amen!

The Good Sisters, decided to catch the spirit themselves as did their brethren, most of whom were now shouting and dancing all over the church and and the pulpit, calling on the Wonderous Grace of God, praising His Holy Name. now shouting all over the church with Reverend Thadeus R. Rhodes.

Caught up as everyone was in the spirit, nobody noticed the tall, tea colored woman with copper colored hair flowing out from under a tastefully feathered hat as she stood up and followed Zeonia.

Outside at last, Zeonia took a deep breath and leaned her back against the door front of the church. The cool wetness of the steamed glass against her hot, flushed back felt good. She smiled. Punching Reverend Thadeus T. Rhodes had felt very good. She wouldn't be going home, of course and, beyond that, she hadn't a clue what she would do but she had already determined she would have no regrets.

Just then the tea colored woman in the tastefully feathered hat came out and leaned her back against the door alongside Zeonia.

Zeonia recognized the woman as Mavis Butler. She lived on the East Side and Zeonia had heard the rumors about her. About what Mavis did for a living and, more importantly, who she did!

Mavis Butler reached her hand into her bag and retrieved a pack of non-filtered camels. She tapped the pack on the back of her hand and slipped a cigarette between her ruby colored lips. She took a drag and exhaled. A ribbon of smoke trailed between them. She tapped the pack again and offered a cigarette to Zeonia.

"Thanks," Zeonia said, "But, I don't smoke."

Mavis smiled and continued to hold the cigarette out.

Zeonia looked at Mavis and saw ... what was that in her eyes?

"What if I don't want to smoke?" she asked.

Mavis smiled again and said, "You're a big girl. Old enough to know by now ... you never have to do anything you don't want to do. Least ... that's who just danced out of that church."

She paused.

"Or, did I confuse you with someone else?"

Zeonia hesitated for about two seconds then she smiled back at Mavis Butler and took the cigarette.

Mavis lit it for her.